Hope in the Darkest Moments

In 2006-2007, I was deployed overseas, leaving behind my young family—a three-year-old son and a nine-month-old baby boy. Saying goodbye to them was one of the hardest things I had ever done up to that point in my life. I knew I was serving my country, but that knowledge didn’t lessen the ache of separation.

While deployed, I had recurring dreams that I was home. In these dreams, I would hear my youngest son crying. I would get out of bed, walk to his crib, and pick him up, gently rocking him back to sleep. But then, I would wake up—only to realize that I was still on the other side of the world. The weight of that reality would crash down on me. Still, I had hope. I knew that one day, my deployment would end, and I would go home.

When I finally returned home, something unexpected happened. The dreams reversed. I would find myself dreaming of being overseas, carrying out missions as if I had never left. And then I would wake up—this time to the reality that I was home. To this day, I still have those dreams.

Deployment was tough, but at least there was an end in sight. However, when I broke up my family, I realized that I had entered a different kind of separation—one that I would have to live with for the rest of my life. There was no going back. There was no homecoming. The finality of that truth was one of the worst things I have ever experienced.

A Darkness I Never Expected

About six months after leaving my first wife, the full weight of what I had done came crashing down on me. The guilt and shame of my choices left me emotionally and spiritually crippled. I felt hopeless in a way I had never known before.

At the lowest point of that season, I made a plan to end my life. I decided I would hang myself in a place away from the house, ensuring that my kids wouldn’t be with me when it happened. The only thing that stopped me was the fear of causing them and my ex-wife even more pain—leaving them not just with grief but with financial instability as well. So, I sat there, trapped between unbearable darkness and the inability to take that final step. I saw no way out. But I also couldn’t end it.

Why I’m Sharing This Now

I’ve hesitated to share this part of my story. Mainly because I don’t want to sound like I see myself as a victim—I don’t. I take full responsibility for my choices and the consequences that followed. But I believe it’s important to talk about the darkest moments because someone reading this might be there now, or might be in the future.

If that’s you, I need you to know this: you are not alone.

And, most importantly, you are not beyond God’s reach. His grace is present even in the moments of deepest despair. When you’ve cried until there are no more tears, when you feel completely lost, when you think there’s no way forward—He is there. You may not see the end of the dark season right now, but it is coming. And it may come when you least expect it.

Hold on.