The Fall

I’ve come to realize that it’s not enough to simply recount the situations that led me astray. At the core, I committed adultery. Twice, I broke the sacred covenant of marriage, hurting the woman I vowed to protect and shaking the foundation of my children’s security. If I’m honest, the villain in my story is staring back at me in the mirror.

Marriage is a profound gift from God, not just for its benefits but as a living testament to the gospel. When I broke this covenant, I misrepresented the gospel through my actions, dishonoring the symbol of Christ’s unwavering love. I failed to love my wife as Christ loves the church.

Reflecting on my grandparents’ marriage, I’m reminded of the true nature of love and commitment. They married as teenagers and remained devoted until my grandfather’s passing at 74. Even on his deathbed, battling cancer, his final words to me were, “Take care of my wife.” In his dying breath, he ensured his bride’s care, embodying the loyalty and protection I once aspired to emulate.

In contrast, my actions mirrored those of Moses, who, in his moment of frustration, struck the rock twice, shattering the foreshadowing of Christ and barring himself from the Promised Land. My sin’s repercussions have left me wandering in the wilderness.

Yet, this wilderness is not the end. I’m committed to understanding the depth of my actions and working towards healing and redemption. I aspire to learn from my grandfather’s legacy, striving to live with integrity and honor, both in my relationships and within myself.

I heard a quote from Saint Edith Stein during one of my morning devotionals. I felt it rightly articulates the way I feel. 

“If up to now, a person has been more or less contented with himself, the time for that is over. He will do what he can to change the unpleasant things he finds in himself, but he will discover quite a bit that can’t be called beautiful and yet will be nearly impossible to change. As a result he will slowly become small and humble, increasingly patient and tolerant toward the specks in his brothers’ eyes now that he has so much trouble with the beam in his own. Eventually, he will be able to look at himself in the unblinking light of the divine presence and learn to entrust himself to the power of the divine mercy.”