The Wandering

Depths of Despair 

For almost seven years, I wandered through a spiritual desert. The isolation and suffering often felt overwhelming. Expressing this experience in different terms is challenging for me. There were times I desired an end to my life. I battled with depression and intense anxiety. Nevertheless, through divine mercy, I have endured. It was a self-imposed agony that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

This odyssey led me to reevaluate my religious convictions and eventually brought me to question my adherence to Christ's teachings. It prompted contemplation on how believers reconcile with God after sinning and how we persist in accepting God's grace and love despite falling into sin.

The Charismatic Calvinist  

Back then, I identified as a charismatic Calvinist. 

In terms of soteriology, I was Calvinistic, holding the belief that God predestined His chosen ones through His sovereignty before creation. I believed conversion was a result of His irresistible grace, revealing Christ Jesus to His elect. This grace, I believed, covered all sins—past, present, and future—granting full justification before God upon faith in Christ Jesus. However, this was the belief I started to question during my time of exile.

My charismatic belief stemmed from my conviction in the ongoing presence of the Holy Spirit's sign gifts, such as healings, speaking in tongues, and prophecy. Unlike most Calvinists I knew, who were cessationists—believing these gifts ended with the canonization and distribution of the Bible, a view largely based on 1 Corinthians 13 and the doctrine of Sola Scriptura—I believed these gifts continued.

Though my perspective has significantly evolved, I retain elements of both beliefs. I still embrace the notion that salvation is through God's grace, an undeserved favor found solely in Christ's life, death, and resurrection. I'm convinced that this grace is received through faith, imparted by the Holy Spirit who opens our hearts to the gospel's truth.              

In The Heart of My Calling  

Before encountering this desolate period, I had a profound connection with God. For nearly ten years, I devoted myself as an associate pastor at two distinct churches. Additionally, I held the position of Senior Director of Ministry at a highly esteemed rescue mission. In that role, I guided a team of dedicated ministers who provided support to those battling homelessness and addiction. It was an incredibly rewarding chapter in my life, where I felt aligned with God's purpose for me. Echoing the conviction of the apostle Paul in Romans, I held the belief that "nothing could separate us from the love of God," and that this hope was accessible to anyone who sought it.

Every day, I witnessed men and women being liberated from the shackles of sin. I'm convinced that if Jesus were to walk the earth in modern America, he'd be found in places like the mission where I served. Such places seemed to draw people in. The hopeless, the beggars, the outcasts, and the scorned; they all flocked to him. It wasn't until I became one with them that I truly grasped this reality. Now, living as an outcast myself, their stories offer me slivers of hope that Christ will welcome me with open arms too.     

Jesus proclaimed, "If anyone is thirsty, let them come and drink." He also declared, "I have come not for the healthy but for the sick." I embraced these teachings wholeheartedly and shared them with those at the rescue mission, affirming that Christ's sacrifice was once and for all, offering them atonement. They were now purified and liberated to embark on a new life with Christ. "Seek Him, and you will find Him," I would encourage. Reflecting on their often-puzzled reactions, I now share in their bewilderment regarding those words.

The Beginning of The End 

Here is my tale, a confession from a pastor who stumbled. To the young pastors out there, take these words to heart. The repercussions of sin are dire, and succumbing to temptation can lead to a path of no return. How I wish I had heeded the lessons from those marked by their past errors, instead of treading the same path they once did.

If you resonate with my experiences, I hope my story brings you solace. We may be a band of misfits, yet so were the twelve disciples. God has not forsaken us in our wilderness. He stays loyal even when we falter. No matter the depths of despair, He is ever-present. Be assured that what you perceive as harmful, He can transform into something beneficial.